You better watch out, you better not cry.

You know that wonderful people over at Homeland Security fighting so hard to protect from all monsters -- real or imaginary. Well, apparently they have more money than they know what to do with. Oh, the benevolence of King George to shower them with such large sums of cash that they in turn can shower the plebes and little people with great sums as well.

Consider how Homeland Security funding is helping the tiny town of Cheshire, Massachusetts. The town has a volunteer fire department. But that is not really surprising. After all the entire community is only 3,401 people as of the last census. They aren’t poor people with an average household income of about $42,000. That basically comes out to an income of about $19,000 per person in the town, including the kids.

The town wanted a new fire truck. So they contacted Rome, I mean the federal government, and sent in their petition. And the beneficent state of King George heard their supplication and awarded them a homeland security grant.

A homeland security grant? Is this tiny town really in line for an attack from radical Islamists? Perhaps they are secretly infiltrating the town as we speak. No one notices. Several times a day the infiltrators bow to Mecca but they tell everyone they are looking for a lost contact lens. This actually caused some problems for the Islamists. They keep using the contact lens excuse to justify being on the their hands and knees on the ground and towns folks keeping down there with them to help. The Islamists now think the entire is Muslim and aren’t sure whether or not to go ahead with their planes to attack.

Anyway they weren’t sure what to attack. Other than a big stature of a cheese press there isn’t much that qualifies as a landmark. The cheese monument is a big thing. In 1801 the towns folks, who were Baptists were big fans of Thomas Jefferson.

Back in those days Baptists supported separation of church and state and Jefferson was a strong proponent of the idea. So when he got elected president the town rejoiced and decided to send Jefferson a a present. So they created a 1,450 pound hunk of cheese. They sent it to Jefferson with that great early libertarian Rev. John Leland. Now we wouldn’t want terrorists driving a bicycle into the cheese monument would we?

So the heroic men and women at Homeland Security considered the matter seriously and sent the town a cheque. All in all they were given the sum total of $665,962. That isn’t exactly chump change for a town this tiny. And they aren’t sure what to do with it. They have never had that much money given to them before for anything.

Of course there is a problem. With Washington there is always a problem. They aren’t allowed to spend the money on a fire truck. Fire Chief George Sweet says: “We really could use that truck.”

Instead the money will be spent on billboards and advertising. They can use it reimburse the volunteers for missed wages (that shouldn’t be too much in a town this size). They can get spiffy new uniforms as well. Homeland Security likes basic brown with black boots and red armbands with a funny black spider inside a white circle on them.

Don’t feel too bad the town Pittsfield got some funding too. Compared to Cheshire they are big time with a booming population of 45,793. They have three zip codes! They also have a community college, an arboretum and at least one building over twelve floors high. With a commuter airport nearby they are prime targets for a terror attack especially with that multiplex cinema in town.

The good people at Homeland Security have not forgotten Pittsfield. They received a grant of $313,000 for the emergency response communications. And they have emergencies! Just the other day that darn old cat of Miss Struthers got up a tree and wouldn’t come down. Dang it. Thankfully with Homeland Security on the ball that won’t happen again.

Meanwhile Homeland Security, in their wisdom, is saving money too. They cut spending in Washington, DC and New York City by 40 percent. Admittedly those were the only two cities ever targeted by terrorists in the US but surely they had their reasons. Lightening never strikes twice in the same place. Well, except New York, you might remember bin Laden had tried to bring down the Twin Towers once before he successfully managed to do it.

But the Santas at Homeland Security still have about $750 million to throw around in grants. And you know what they say about Santa.

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
Better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He's making a list,
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice.
Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good for goodness sake!
Oh, you better watch out!
You better not cry.
Better not pout,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Claus is coming to town.
Santa Claus is coming to town!

Ho, Ho, Ho everyone. Santa Claus exist and he's Homeland Security and he sees you when you're sleeping.