Monday, July 02, 2007

Exclusive interview with Jehovah

Many people may not be aware but sections of Texas are undergoing a natural disaster: flooding. Hundreds of people have been evacuated because of the flood waters from the Wichita and Brazos rivers. Authorities say the waters will recede over the next couple of days but that more rain is expected and that the waters will rise again. The storms have taken the lives of at least 11 with two more feared dead but still missing. More storms and possible tornados are expected.

Of course it is well known that natural disasters are the result of sin. Just ask Pat Robertson. When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans various fundamentalist groups announced it was a judgment from God sent in punishment of an upcoming gay festival.

In light of that we obtained an exclusive interview with God. (Pat Robertson isn’t the only one with Jehovah on his speed dial.)

Jehovah admitted that sending plagues, earthquakes and floods were common tools he used to express displeasure.

“Oh, sure,” said the husky voice of the deity, “what self-respecting deity doesn’t smote sinners now and then.” He chuckled to himself, “Smoting is the sort of thing that gets the blood flowing and makes one feel so alive.”

Since Jehovah was in a talkative mood I asked him about the message from Fred Phelps that the reason soldiers are dying in Iraq is because Americans are “fag enablers.” Jehovah seemed perplexed. “Who said that?” he asked. I again explained that Rev. Fred Phelps was saying this. “Sorry,” said Jehovah, “Never heard of him. Who does he work for?”

I broke the news that Rev. Phelps was supposedly in the employ of Jehovah. “Well,” said Jehovah, “If you believe everything you read in the papers a lot of people work for me. I work alone.”

Asked if this meant that the disaster in Iraq wasn’t sent by himself Jehovah was quite emphatic: “Hey, dude, that one isn’t my style. No real smoting just a quagmire. Sorry but I had nothing to do with it. If you want to find the moron responsible for that mess look a little closer to home. I suggest 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue myself. Ask the guy in charge. Name's Cheney!”

With time running out I wanted to clarify God’s direct involvement in the flooding in Texas. “I probably shouldn’t answer that,” he said with a laugh, “my attorneys are adamant I shouldn’t speak about things like natural disasters. But what’s the use staying mum. Everyone already calls them “acts of God” so I might as well fess up.”

Jehovah said the flooding was his idea. “I did think about a plague of frogs raining down on them. But just trying to clear the frog thing with the Environmental Protection Agency is impossible. There are just some things I can’t do. And those crazy PETA people would be shrieking for months. So in the end I figured a little flooding would be easiest.”

Of course this still left open the reason for the floods. So we gingerly approached the topic. We could hear the divine one sighing on the phone when he heard the question. He thought about it for a second and I was sure he would give that one a pass.

Finally he said: “Okay, I’ll tell you. Baptists.”

I was caught off guard and asked him to repeat what he said.

“Baptists. Texas is full of them. You can’t spit without hitting one. Do you have any idea how annoying they can be? They just don’t stop. Constantly praying that I smote this sinner or slay that heathen. Whine, whine, whine. That’s all they do. Nothing seems to satisfy them. And I figured that they like that baptizing so much I’d just make it a little easier for them. Sort of symbolic if you get my drift.”

“But Lord,” I protested meekly, “They aren’t just in Texas. They’re all over the South.”

“Hello, are you listening?” said the somewhat perturbed deity. “Does the word hurricanes mean anything to you?”

Jehovah continued, “I send them year after year after year and those people just don’t get the hint, thick as mud. All they do is dunk and damn, dunk and damn. I don’t mind the dunking that much. With a little soap it might be good for them. But that damning stuff, well, that’s my territory. And I don’t like tresspassers.”

Fearful we were treading on thin ice we noted that some people said that Katrina was the result of other types of people in the French Quarter. Jehovah howled. “Really. They think that? Oh, that’s rich. What do they think I am? Senile? My aim is just as good as it always was.”

Now it was the deity’s turn to question us: “You saw the storm. Did it smite the French Quarter?”

“Well, it did rain there,” I timidly replied.

“Right, Sure it did. But in the end how was the French Quarter?”

“Unscathed,” I replied.

“Gotcha! You think that was an accident.”

I had one last question before my free minutes were up. I wanted to know if Jehovah sent down government as plague.

“Sorry kid,” he said. “That is one plague you people created and it’s a plague you’re going to have solve yourself.” With that my free minutes ended and I had to hang up.