The Pee-nal code and sex crimes.

I was reading a website earlier today that mentioned the infamous photos of Prince William, or Billy Windsor as I prefer to call him—not because I know him, just because I’m not big on royal families—in spite of my elder aunt telling me that my maternal lineage goes back to the Carolingians (she promised to send the family tree—we'll see).

The infamous photos were taken at a polo match. Billy Windsor needed to heed the call of nature so he ran over to a fence and whipped out the royal jewels. Of course, the paparazzi were not far behind. Actually, in this case they were in front. And the royal willy was put on display to the entire world.

I had read about this when it happened, and of course, seen the photos. They were everywhere at the time and still easily found via Google (go ahead, you know you want to.)

But today, when I read a mention of the incident, I was reminded of other articles I have posted here. You see Prince William could be classified as a sex offender in many parts of the United States because of his use of the Royal Wee. (Pun intended.)

In Arizona the civil code says anyone who is convicted of public urination two times, if there was someone under 15 in the area, is a sex offender. You get three public pees, provided no one under 15 is around, before you become a sex offender. The odd thing is that public bathrooms are just that—public. Some urinals, especially at state run rest stops are merely troughs against a wall where what you are doing is openly visible to individuals of all ages. Apparently a 14-year-old seeing a pee at the trough is not "victimized" but if he sees the same thing on the side of the road he is a victim in need of counseling. If you empty a full bladder outside a smelly government toilet you become a sex offender. Similarly urination in public is a sex crime in California, Connecticut, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Hampshire , Oklahoma, South Carolina, Utah and Vermont.

A year ago the Eagle-Tribune in New Hampshire reported that two state legislators were trying to end the law. As one lawmaker pointed out, in relation to hunters, there are no toilets in the woods. A bear may shit in the woods, but if you pee there you are sex offender. The odious Adam Walsh Protection and Safety Act, pushed by the fanatical John Walsh, means that public urination in the state had to be treated as a serious sex offense.

Over two decades ago Juan Matamoros got a ticket in Massachusetts for taking a pee. Twenty-one years later he was happily living in Florida with his wife and two kids. The state government forced him to pack up his family and move since that one full bladder, years earlier, meant he was considered a sex offender and he had to comply with the sex offender zoning laws. These laws are intended to make all sex offenders miserable for the rest of their lives—a sort of perpetual, never-ending punishment for all the serious sex offenses that the politicians have criminalized—such as peeing outside, streaking, consenting sex between teens, sexting, etc.

A little more information on Mr. Matamoros shows how out of control sex offender laws have become. In 1986 Matamoros was a bit tipsy and took a pee next to a car. Three people saw this and he was fined for the act. Local sex laws say he is not allowed to live near a school, bus stop, park, playground or day-care center. He was living near three parks and one day-care center. So he was told to move to areas that comply with the law. Remember the law is forbidding him to be near areas where children may be found even though his “offense” had nothing to do with children, only a full bladder.

Also consider that the law meant he had to pack up his wife and sons. He was being required to moves his two children into a neighborhood with an unusually high percentage of “sex offenders” because the zoning laws concentrated them there. And it was the only place he and his family could legally live.

A law blog reports on sex offender laws in Georgia saying:

In almost every case, all registered sex offenders are treated equally, regardless of whether they were convicted of child rape or public urination. No sex offender may live within 1,000 feet of a child care facility, church, school, or "area where minors congregate." Those areas are defined as: parks, recreation facilities, playgrounds, skating rinks, neighborhood centers, gymnasiums, school bus stops, public libraries and public and community swimming pools. Adding libraries is the only change to that definition

In Oklahoma, Rep. Lucky Lamons, a former police officer, says the law “forces many offenders to live in rural areas, where they are difficult for authorities to monitor. Also, he says, it does not differentiate between real predators and the type of men he recalls arresting for urinating in public, a sex offense in Oklahoma.”

So when you read those sex offender registries, and someone is listed for lewd conduct, what do you know? Nothing! You might be dealing with some psycho who did break into a kindergarten to masturbate in front of a classroom of children—but not likely. But you could easily be dealing with someone who had to really take a whizz, got caught, and suddenly ended up in the sex offender net that is being stretched slowly across the entire country. So, if you ever once took a pee someplace when there was no bathroom available, and you were outside, then you too could be a sex offender. It was merely happenstance that prevented it in your case, while others were not so lucky.

I still contend that America’s sex laws are so badly written—the result of writing law when in a panic over exaggerated claims—that almost everyone is a sex offender today. The difference between the millions of people on the registries, and the millions of people not yet on them, is often just a matter of chance. When you took your whizz you didn’t get caught. It’s a good thing Prince William wasn’t playing polo in the United States that day—otherwise he could easily be on a sex registry list terrorizing mothers who think they can protect their kids by reading these lists.

Of course, where the sexphobic Americans criminalize urination in public the Europeans have statues for it. And not just the famous Manneken Pis in Brussels either. No doubt in the U.S. this little statue, which attracts millions of tourists, would not only be a crime but probably prosecuted as child pornography as well. Alas, I suspect the real reason for the wall on the border is that once all the borders "are secure" they can just proclaim all Americans sex criminals and call the country a prison.