Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Police chief eyes crotch, arrests pelvic thruster

What can you say about the Theocratic Republic of Texas? Here is a state that works very hard to prove that their average intelligence is so low that any of them could be the current occupant of the White House. As one Texas newspaper recently admitted: “Every now and then, a city somewhere in Texas gets all wrought up with moral outrage and does something really stupid.”

Don’t sell the state legislature short. They are leaders of the ban dildo movement in America.

Recently the Men of Chippendales made the mistake of performing in Lubbock, Texas, Lubbock is the 11th largest city in Texas and is situated between Dallas and the Dark Ages. Considering that geography you can see the dancers were asking for trouble.

The men were dressed. By virtue of state law and the holy edicts of the Southern Baptist Convention even children are born fully clothed in Texas. This is a state where a nudist is defined as woman who shows her ankles. But the men sinned! A couple of them opened their pants to reveal --- black boxers!

Now you know they are dancing on thin ice. Dancing indeed. At this point Police Chief Claude T. Jones (didn’t you know he’d be named Claude or Homer or Jethro) had his eye on those crotches. Yes sir. When it comes to protecting the virtue of the Lubbock lady-folk Claude will not let any male package go unwatched. Every male crotch on that stage was under police surveillance.

And then he saw it. Right there on the stage in front of God and the women of Lubbock, who forked over ridiculously high fees to attend the show, Chief Jones saw a pelvic thrust. You heard me right. A pelvic thrust!

And it was then that the Chief insisted that a heinous crime had been committed. He says Texas law forbids dancing with the intention of providing “sexual gratification.” And no woman will ever be sexually gratified when Claude T. Jones is on duty. He’ll see to that personally.

Apparently the police chief doesn’t realize that it usually takes a bit more than a pelvic thrust to sexually gratify a woman. Wouldn’t you hate to be Mrs. Claude T. Jones?

Some residents of the town questioned the police using their time to spy on male crotches and police pelvic thrusts. They tried to bring up the topic at the city council meeting when the mayor and council suddenly adjourned the meeting and headed off to prayer meeting or something.

Now one local publication in Lubbock, The Daily Toreador, a university newspaper ran a story that one might find of interest in light of the police chief’s intention to protect women. It reported that “Self Magazine ranked Lubbock as the third least safe U.S. city for women.” Now they have people who are killed in Lubbock. They have people who are assaulted. They have armed robberies that take place. But never will they have sexual gratification if Chief Jones is on the job.

If he had his way you wouldn’t have your way.

City officials, when they came out of hiding, did defend Ol’ Claude and his crotch-watching officers. Mayor David Miller said: “The council supports the Lubbock police department including the actions of last Friday. We feel there was probably cause as well as praise the officers on the scene as well as Chief Jones.”

I wonder how the Mayor knows there was probable cause? Was he in drag in the audience crotch-watching as diligently as the police were? The police insist that the dancers “sexually stimulated and sexual gratified” the female members of the audience. Even worse the police insisted that women in audience had been “aroused and gratified” by the dancing. Please note the women did not complain though I suspect some did when the police got involved.

Now let's be honest here. The typical man is not exactly the most perceptive person when involved with women. He is often oblivious to whether or not a woman is gratified. Men, if you don’t believe me, do your own poll. Now if this is the case when men have the woman naked, right in front of them, it would be almost a miracle if a man could tell a woman was sexually gratified when she was fully clothed. And considering the women were not just dressed but sitting in chairs at the time the ability to discern that they were aroused and gratified is utterly astounding.

Now this is where I’m confused. The officers were staring at the bulging, thrusting leather-bound packages of the male dancers. At the same time they could see through the women’s clothes and could discern immediately, not only arousal, but gratification. Something they rarely do when at home, in bed, with their wives. Or with their girlfriends when the wives are at church.

This talent is actually useful. Instead of expensive scanners at the airports, which now peep through you clothes (they have to make sure you don’t have bin Laden in your panties) the US government could just deploy Lubbock police officers. They have x-ray vision that would make Superman jealous -- of course with his tights they'd arrest him if it looked like the thrusted!

Apparently the city attorney won’t be going ahead with a court case. It seems there is a lack of evidence that any of the women in the audience were sexually satisfied. So the good news is that the women are still as unsatisfied as before just the way God and the Lubbock city council intended.

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