Saturday, May 03, 2008

Seal "rapes" penguin: world crisis ensues.

I must apologize to any morally upstanding readers on this blog, both of them, for the accompanying photo. But I fear that the photo must be published in order to prove the moral decay that has gripped our world today. What you see before your very eyes is a perverted and depraved rape by a seal of a penguin. Even as I write, Jesus sits on his throne weeping for us.

These images were captured by South African scientists who witnessed the perversion on Marion Island, a sub-Antarctic island populated by seals and penguins. According to their records the seal attempted to copulate with the penguin for 45 minutes. The scientists say that the sex of the penguin could not be established. (If you are under 18 please don’t read any further.) It is entirely possible that the perverted seal was attempting to homosexually sodomize the penguin.

The BBC reports how this depravity has spread to other animals. “Chinstrap penguins occasionally indulge in homosexual behaviour, and adelie penguins sometimes ‘prostitute’ themselves to get stones for nest-building; while one in seven emperor penguins will change partners from one year to the next.” Shades of Peyton Place!

By most accounts the penguin survived unhurt but is undergoing therapy. Feminist attorney Gloria Alred is representing the penguin in a sexual harassment suit against the seal. Alred also attacked the South African scientists “for taking pornographic photos of my client’s humiliating rape.” So far Ms. Alred has not meet her “client”.

The American Family Association claimed that “filthy Disney films” are responsible for such incidents. “God never intended seals and penguins to be friendly with one another,” said the outraged Rev. Don Wildmon, AFA president. “Yet you constantly find Disney films promoting the ideas of different species running around with each other.” Rev. Wildmon pointed to the Lion King as one prime example. “Monkeys and lion sharing quality time together,” he huffed, “Where do think that sort of perversity is going to lead?” He claimed that “this rape is exactly the sort of thing that Hollywood liberals have been promoting.”

Pat Robertson, on his 700 Club television show, said that God had revealed to him that the incident was a warning. “This is the sort of degrading sex acts we should expect when the schools take the Ten Commandments out of the classrooms and teach evolution.” Rev. Robertson said, “Darwin is to blame.” Conservative writer Ben Stein said he agrees and is working on a new documentary showing how “evolution is promoting moral depravity in the animal world. As more and more animals read Darwin this sort of thing will only spread.”

Pope Benedict XVI commented briefly: "As far as I know the seal in question is not a Catholic priest. To say anymore at this time would be inappropriate. My prayers are with the penguin."

One libertarian candidate noted: “We don’t know if the penguin consented or not. We only have the word of these scientists. No one has spoken to the penguin to see if it complained.” This statement was immediately denounced by Wayne Allen Root who demanded this libertarian resign. “It is absolutely disgusting that any libertarian condone penguin rape.” Shane Cory, executive director of the Libertarian Party issued an emergency press release demanding “increased federal/state co-operation to wipe out this blight. The role of government is to protect the rights of all. Raping seals is against libertarian ethics therefore we need more federal involvement in the seal rape crisis.”

Former representative Bob Barr waded in stating that the federal government ought to be strictly regulated to prevent it from recognizing “other species” relationships in any form. “I oppose a federal amendment to the Constitution banning seal/penguin relationships. Such an amendment is unnecessary if my “Defense of Same Species Families” is passed by the Congress. This measure would prevent the federal government from doing anything to grant rights to these perverted animals.

Barr argued that the federal government is not the “proper place to regulate such activities.” He argued that such laws “are better enforced at the state level. We can’t have the federal government regulating this sort of perversion since they would do it inefficiently. The states are better able to keep things under tight control.”

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he would not comment one way or the other regarding whether seal/penguin relationships should be legal or illegal. The Governor said that he’d veto any legislation which either affirms or criminalizes such behavior because “the people have to vote on this directly.” Senator Larry Craig has said it is possible that the seal merely has a “wide stance” and didn’t realize the penguin was underneath

The latest reports indicate that 350 Texas law enforcement officials were seen raiding Marion Island. It is believed that they have move 1,356 infant penguins into protective custody.

Later today Larry Flynt is holding a press conference where he will announce that he has purchased film footage of the incident which he will be releasing on DVD for $49.95.

Note: the incident between the penguin and the seal is real. The rest is well deserved satire.